When we found out we were pregnant, I quickly began compiling a list of things to do, read, and action on, being the Type A person I am. We read all the pregnancy books and articles, downloaded the contraction timer app (months too early), put together the Pinterest-worthy nursery I had always dreamed of, bought the fanciest baby gear and gadgets (even things we didn’t know we wouldn’t need for MONTHS– and quite frankly, still haven’t used), and filled our baby’s closet with the cutest tulle dresses and outfits with far too many buttons and clasps.
I spent hours and hours researching (and freaking out) about the labour process– what does a contraction feel like? What do the different stages of dilation look like? What is the worst possible scenario of induction? C-Section? I was literally terrified of giving birth and thought that would be the worst part of “having a baby”. We went to multiple prenatal classes that reinforced all the same things, but not one covered the important topic of postpartum recovery.
After 18 hours of labour, I thought the hard part was over. Then my nurse showed up with diapers, ice packs, and a perineal bottle. And the diapers weren’t for the baby. My physical recovery, I suddenly realized, wasn’t going to be as simple as I had envisioned. And neither was it going to be easy on me emotionally or mentally.
What is the Fourth Trimester?
The Fourth Trimester is the 12-week period immediately after you have had your baby. Not everyone has heard of it, but every mother and their newborn baby will go through it. It’s a time of great physical and emotional change as your baby adjusts to being outside the womb, and you adjust to your new life as a mom. I thought “the fourth trimester” was an interesting tongue-in-cheek type comment, but as it turns out… life with a newborn is hard, really hard.
Everyone’s experience is different.
As a first time mom, I pictured motherhood being full of cuddles, adorable chubby rolls, and cute outfits. I mean, I knew it would be harder than that, but I didn’t know it would be THIS hard. There are women who adapt super well to motherhood. That wasn’t the case for me, and it took me a while to be okay with that. The comparison game ate me alive in the beginning. Breastfeeding didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped, I didn’t lose the pregnancy weight as quickly as I had hoped (and still haven’t), and my baby wasn’t “chill” the way I had hoped. But everyone’s baby and journey is different… and that’s OKAY.
After the second night at home, I had an intense panic attack where I broke down holding on to my husband, shaking and crying uncontrollably, and I continued to be a complete wreck the first couple weeks. I went days without responding to messages from my friends (this is a big deal for someone who is usually always on their phone) because I could hardly find the time where I had two free hands. I pushed away all visitor requests. I had constant mom guilt and cried randomly, blaming myself and feeling bad every time SHE cried thinking it was because I wasn’t providing enough for her. Even when Mila wasn’t crying, I would hear crying sounds ringing in my ears. And above all that, I secretly mourned my previous life– the previous relationship I had with my husband, and the previous relationship I had with myself.
But it gets better…
The first three months really tested my patience, perseverance, and emotional stability. But guess what? It passes. Sooner or later, you’re coming out the other side of the fourth trimester, amazed that lo and behold: You’ve survived.
Mila recently turned three months and in the past few weeks, I’ve seen the clouds beginning to part and am finally feeling like we’re getting into a groove with this kid. The best piece of advice I was given was to take it day by day, and still I continue to do just that.
To the new mama (and as a reminder to myself…)
Life with a newborn is tough, but the love you will feel is nothing like you have felt before. It will be foreign and familiar all at once. It will fill you to the very top of your heart, nearly spilling over. You may not be able to tell the difference between exhaustion and depression. Your baby will cry… a lot. Your days will both begin and end with the saddest screams you will ever hear. Your body will respond the way that it is programmed to– with panic.
You will feel guilty every time your baby cries. You will feel guilty for not measuring up. You will feel guilty for feeling guilty. You will feel guilty for feeling guilty for feeling guilty. You will cry over absurd things, like not being pregnant anymore. Or spilling milk (though, this was a big deal for me). And over massive things, like the way your body has transformed because of pregnancy. You may never feel like you will get the hang of carrying this love.
But then, one day, your baby gives you the first little smirk. And that smirk turns into a smile. And that smile turns into a laugh. And suddenly, you smile and laugh too.
You will get better. You will grow. You will adjust, and settle, and adjust again. That is what motherhood is, I think. Finding ways through the good heartbreak to fit more love inside of you. There will always be something that stretches your capacity for more. You will learn how to balance the goodness with the heaviness. And you will learn that everything you are doing is ENOUGH. It is enough. You are enough.
She looks so cute!!! Hope everything keeps going smoothly!!
Have you ever read Harvey Karp’s books before? Since I teach young toddlers, I read them and he says that back in caveman times, babies actually used to live in their mothers’ wombs for four trimesters! It stopped because overtime science changed and it became impossible for mothers to carry their babies in the wombs for that long and that is why babies have such a hard time adjusting after they are out of womb these days because they are not carried long enough in the womb anymore.
You’ve got this momma. Every phase of their lives has it’s own blessings and new challenges. Enjoy them all-struggles and all!
I wish the fourth trimester was talked about more! I love this post. It’s okay to not be okay! You’ve got this Mama!
I remember the 4th trimester very well, I was never warned of how hard it would be. Best of luck to you.
So much this! I remember being in shock the first month after having my son. No sleep, my muscles were sore for weeks after having my son. I literally would forget to eat for days on end because I was so consumed with my newborn. You are absolutely right in your ending statement. You are enough.
I remember going through this and thinking I just sucked at being a mother and that the newborn period was never going to end. But we got through it, had a second baby — which was SO much easier the second time through. And now my firstborn is twenty years old. It happened in a blink.
Many congratulations. And big hug to you .. Hope the days get easier and your baby grows with your mommyhood.
Yes this time is one of the most difficult one as both mom and the newborn is adjusting to their new role . Great post.
The guilt and loneliness was the hardest part for me in the fourth trimester. I wish someone or something had prepared me for that, so I’m thankful you’ve created this post to help others.
Everyone should know about fourth trimester. Beautiful baby🤍
Love this open and honest info! Thankfully my fourth trimester was less emotional and more physical. I had no clue about how your body doesn’t quite “bounce back” in a lot of ways, like the postpartum bleeding.
The fourth trimester with my first was incredibly difficult. It was completely different with my second. I had a c section with my first and vaginal with my second. I think this had a lot to do with the difference in my emotional health.
The fourth trimester is really hard after your first. Mine was very hard. It got better after my others though. I think so much of it is just shock over the experiences. I’m so glad you’ve found it’s getting better! It does, it can take awhile! I think it’s great you are talking about it, for your self but also for others.
I had a really tough time after my first baby was born. I went through a lot of birth trauma and it took me forever to recover. It was not a particularly good experience.
So so true! The fourth trimester is such a transition for everyone! I think that we all need to talk about it more!
yes, the fourth trimester is totally a thing! congratulations on the newest addition to your family!
It always amazes me when mamas don’t mention their fourth trimester. It’s the toughest yet most rewarding.
Mothering a newborn is such a complicated time. You were able to articulate so many of my feelings.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience and for being so honest. I can certainly relate. Congrats on the birth of your girl, she’s adorable!
Yup, it’s hard – and no two are the same. The good news is, each child seems to get easier, if only because you know what to expect!
I loved this post! The fourth trimester is real and hard and often looked over.
I live this. I was definitely that mom who stayed on the internet researching/worrying. I never understood what the fourth trimester was until I was in it and it is very real. Thanks for sharing.
Very true! More awareness needs to be brought to it as more and more people expect mothers to ”bounce back” right after birth!
More people need to know about this.
Thanks for sharing.
I can relate to this so much. Thanks so much for sharing!