How to Support a Friend Struggling with Infertility

Dealing with infertility was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through: the uncertainty was overwhelming, the toll (physical, emotional, mental) too great. I felt like I was living in a parallel universe, where my outward daily routine remained unchanged – I went to work, did my job, carried on with life’s day to day — while on the inside, secretly obsessing over cycle days, the size of my follicles, LH peaks, and researching “the next step”. Chances are, someone in your social circle is struggling with this too.

Infertility is an incredibly isolating experience that can be difficult to understand if you haven’t been through it. Like other stressful life events, infertility tends to draw out underlying relationship tensions and disparate feelings and along with it, many well-intentioned people struggle to say the right thing. Even with good intentions, things can come out wrong, become hurtful, and sound invalidating or minimizing.

During our experience with infertility, we kept it very private and told less than a handful of people. If a friend opens up and lets you into this lonely nook of theirs, know that the fact they’ve told you is a big deal. This means they trust you. This means they think you’ll be supportive and telling you will add value to the situation they are going through. As well-intentioned as you may be, knowing how to actually give that support can be tricky, especially if you’ve never experienced infertility yourself.

Although everyone is drastically different, I wanted to share my experience and the things that helped me feel supported through our infertility journey (and also the things that hurt me most).

1. Listen with intention and don’t give advice

It’s tough to want to help, but not undermine the process or minimize it with your (well-intended) advice. When a loved one is struggling, it’s only natural to want to jump in and give advice to help problem-solve — to take away their pain, help them overcome roadblocks, and support them in reaching their goals. More often than not, this approach does more to minimize your own discomfort or feelings of helplessness than it does to improve the actual situation or problem. This is especially true when it comes to fertility treatments and family planning, where there is very little control to begin with. Instead of chiming in with possible solutions to a friend’s dilemma (most of which, I can guarantee have already been considered and tried), listen intently and let your friend guide the conversation.

One of the most simple, but effective things that could be said is “I’m sorry you are going through this” — it seems incredibly basic, but sometimes it’s all someone needs to hear. It immediately validates their emotions and lets them know you care and are empathetic. It can be easy to jump straight into discussing medical research or giving them advice on what worked for other people. However, often people just need a hug and to know that you sympathize with them.

2. Learn more about infertility and ask questions

If your friend is talking about a new fertility drug they are taking or an upcoming procedure, do some quick googling to understand it a little more. If you want to understand it better, ask! I never once found it annoying to educate or explain to those that genuinely wanted to know more. All that said, no matter how much research you do or how much you try to empathize, it is understandably difficult for you to put yourself in their shoes. Everyone’s fertility journey is incredibly personal and the support they need will be unique. Some people will need space, others – distraction. Some will want to talk about their experience in detail, others will want to talk about anything else. Rather than assuming, ask your friend what they need from you and how you can best support. Don’t be afraid to tell your friend that you’re not sure what to say or do. Go ahead and ask them what they need most.

3. Meet them where they are

Let me tell you, the ups and downs of any fertility journey can be a freakin’ roller coaster. One day your friend may be happy and hopeful, and the next day she might be having a crying fit after learning her increased dose of ovulation meds didn’t work. This is not the time to play “devil’s advocate.” If they’re sad, be sad with them. If they’re hopeful, be hopeful. If they’re mad, you are, too. Be a good listener and be an emotional support, but don’t give them false hope (“I know it’ll happen for you this cycle!!!”) because it may not, and to claim it will, isn’t helpful.

4. Don’t ghost your friend– check in regularly

Infertility can be an awkward topic to bring up so some people resort to avoiding the topic altogether. But as I mentioned earlier, if a friend is willing to open up to you about it, it means she trusts you and is wanting support from you. I had opened up to a good friend about our experience and was “ghosted” for several months after the conversation– no follow-ups, no “how are you doing”, no “thinking about you” messages– nothing but radio silence. It can be uncomfortable to ask about it, but it’s better to let your friend know you are thinking of her than ignore it entirely.

You don’t have to have all of the answers or know exactly what to say, but checking in regularly shows you care. Just acknowledging that the process is difficult and validating their feelings can be really valuable. Simple statements like “I’m here for you” and “I can see how hard this is for you” can let a person know that you are listening and you really do care.

Going a step above & beyond: If your friend talks about an upcoming appointment for fertility treatments, make a note of it in your own calendar. On the morning of the appointment, send a text to let her know you’re thinking of her. That lets her know you’re there if she wants or needs to talk about it, but in a very low-pressure sort of way.

5. Distract them and bring some fun back in their life

Going through infertility is an all-encompassing thing that takes over every minute of your day. Make your friend feel normal again and distract them from what’s hurting them the most. Even if for an hour, bringing fun and laughter back in their life can make the biggest difference. I had a friend hang out with me frequently and do nothing but be silly: sang karaoke to YouTube videos in my basement, learned choreographed dances on Just Dance, and drank bubble tea together. Another friend would join me at the gym doing my favourite kickboxing classes, because it was something else I was really into at the time. Your company alone is sometimes all your friend needs!

6. Know their love language and show love in that way

I’m a big believer in the 5 love languages, whether to better understand your partner, friend, or any relationship in your life. In my case, one of my love languages is “receiving gifts” — keep in mind, these don’t need to be lavish and expensive gifts, just little gestures to show you care and were thinking about me. Some heartfelt or practical gifts I received while trying to conceive included: cards mailed to me (not for any particular occasion, just as a “thinking of you”), flowers after a really rough week, and reminders of hope: in my case, anything to do with pineapples. These little, but unexpected gestures, would immediately brighten my day and made me feel loved and supported.

7. Be extra sensitive and watch what you say

I could write an entire blog post dedicated to “things you should not say to someone who is struggling with infertility”, but there are many things frequently said that are incredibly unhelpful and even hurtful. Some examples of things to stop doing or saying:

– Stop invalidating their feelings and reactions to infertility (eg. “It could be worse” “At least it’s not cancer”)
– Stop speaking on the universe’s behalf (eg. “Whatever’s meant to happen will happen)
– “Just relax, stop stressing” <- her infertility is not a result of her stressing about her fertility, so please stop telling her to relax
– “You’re still young”
– “Have you considered adopting?”
– “Have you tried putting your legs in the air?” (add this to the long list of unsolicited, unhelpful and non-medical advice)
– “The regular way to conceive isn’t glamorous either” (says the person who conceived naturally on their second try)
– “No pressure, but I’ve been waiting for you to have kids so our kids can play together…”
– Don’t complain about your own pregnancy or kids (you have every right to vent to anyone else in your life, but remember that your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring)

My own infertility experience really opened my eyes to appreciate and be forever grateful to those who supported me through every up and down of this journey. If you are struggling with infertility, my advice is to let yourself feel it. There is no way around the complicated, intense feelings. In my experience, fighting it only made it worse. Acknowledge it, and be gentle with yourself. Do whatever you need to do to make it through this time, even if that means shutting out the rest of the world. Know that your friends will be waiting for you on the other side.